Don't call my name out loud

[freedom_is_grey]

The bar is too close and full of people, so Ysalwen threads her way through the crowd, forcing herself to keep an easy pace to the back door and out.

The cold air is bracing and comforting, even though she currently doesn't have a cloak.

One deep breath, another, and a squaring of shoulders, and she's pacing at a rapid clip out and around the lake.

Eventually she might start running.

Liranan is nowhere in sight.

Comments

[howtoactfereldan]

A soft huff of breath -- nearly amused, despite everything.

"Yes." Gently. "I'm well aware."

[freedom_is_grey]

She twists her arm to rest her hand on top of his, where it rests on her shoulder.

Just for a second.

"Y -- the Knight-Captain -- um -- let us go -- the Champion, too -- and we all found ourselves on Isabela's boat and on our way out of town. It -- seemed best. I wasn't particularly -- discreet during the battles, and I -- I didn't want to make anyone more afraid. Sarai was caught in the middle, with plenty of people loosely out for her head, so."

She swallows.

"I thought I would see if any of Amaranthine's more knowledgeable builders and apothecaries and the like would -- want to take a trip. Back to Kirkwall. I -- enabling that is -- I can't think of any other way to help, and it -- should I have stayed? Only -- "

[howtoactfereldan]

"No." He shakes his head swiftly. "No, it's -- in that situation, with that kind of focused anger, you don't need to be there. Let the city guard help sort things out. Aveline's good -- she'll do the right thing. Keep in touch with her, see what she needs in the coming days. There's nothing more you can do at the moment."

Cullen squeezes her shoulder. "You did the right thing, and for now your part is over. Take a moment, rest first, and when you're back in Amaranthine... take action. You might consider contacting Alistair -- your Alistair -- to see if he'd be willing to lend resources for resettlement. But rest comes first."

[freedom_is_grey]

Ysalwen leans into the hand on her shoulder a little, looking up at him with a slight quirk to one corner of her mouth.

"You know I'm horrible at letting other people do anything on their own."

A huff of breath that isn't at all a laugh.

"But I could really use some rest. Not sleep, just now, but -- "

[howtoactfereldan]

"I know."

A little rueful. "Believe me. I know. Can I tell you something? Are you -- would you hear it right now?"

[freedom_is_grey]

She swallows, brow furrowing as she thinks about that.

It's --

Well --

"I think numbness is setting in, so if you're worried about my reactions, now is probably one of the better times to say whatever it is?"

(That, and almost anything would be a welcome distraction from the horror show behind her eyes.)

[howtoactfereldan]

"You need to understand," he says, slowly, holding both her shoulders now, "that you saved hundreds of lives today. The Chantry didn't explode. Debris didn't scatter all over the city. People weren't crushed in their homes or trapped places they couldn't escape. That would have happened. And it didn't. Because of you."

[freedom_is_grey]

"Oh."

It's quiet, out here in the dark.

Maybe, for just a moment, the inside of her head is quiet, too.

"I -- "

Her eyes are damp again, but it hurts less, somehow. Or maybe just differently.

"I -- "

What does one say to that?

"Can we sit down? I think -- I think I would really like to sit. Or you can hold me up. That's fine, too."

As of this moment Cullen is the only still point in a rapidly spinning world. Relief is -- even partial relief is a very strange drug.

[howtoactfereldan]

Cullen laughs a little, short and quiet, and folds her into another hug.

Light: "Not to mention you saved my counterpart a considerable headache, trying to clean up after all that. I realize that's not the important part... and yet."

[freedom_is_grey]

This hug is much less damp than the last one, because Ysa is not attempting to breathe deeply through a wash of tears.

"Every little bit helps."

Another huff of breath that isn't quite laughter.

"Which -- it does. I forget sometimes, especially when -- well. Thank you."

[howtoactfereldan]

"Especially when everything's still awful," he finishes, rueful. "I know." He tightens his arms for a moment.

"Just... remember that, all right? It's important."

[freedom_is_grey]

She tightens her own grip in return, holding on for a few seconds and then relaxing, all at once.

"I will if you will," Ysalwen mutters into a faceful of fur.

"I promise."

[howtoactfereldan]

Another low laugh.

"I'll try. How's that?"

[freedom_is_grey]

"'ll tell Ci on you if you don't."

Yep, more mumbling. Maybe sleep is a lot closer to hand than Ysa thought it was a half hour ago.

"'n you can tell Liranan on me."

[howtoactfereldan]

"Agreed," he says, lightly. "And meanwhile, I've got to ask the irritating questions -- have you eaten recently?"

[freedom_is_grey]

"I have travel rations in my pack?"





Um.

"Which I left in my berth on the ship. Um."

No. Her answer is no.

[howtoactfereldan]

"We'll do better than that before you go."

There's no advantage in pressing her to go inside before she's ready. The bar's there. It can wait a little longer.

[freedom_is_grey]

"Mmmph."

Ysalwen only grumbles a little.

"Give me a few more minutes? I can't -- it's going to feel like everyone is staring. Even if they're not."

[howtoactfereldan]

"Of course. We've got time."

He watches the moon's glint move on the water.

"Is there -- anything that would help? With the... staring thing?"

[freedom_is_grey]

"No."

Some things have to be borne.

"Not much ever does, and today -- but maybe if I get Liranan. He helps."

Zev would, too, if he could come to Milliways. But --

"I left him and Zev because -- well."

She has a feeling Cullen might understand.

"I didn't want to be comforted."

[howtoactfereldan]

"...sorry?"

[freedom_is_grey]

"Wh -- "

She looks up, like someone that only just heard what they themselves said.

"No! No, I'm glad -- it -- I needed it, and still do. Just -- the ship was so close, and I couldn't -- "

[howtoactfereldan]

He breathes out, nods a little.

"Yes." Quiet. "I know about that."

[freedom_is_grey]

I wish you didn't, she doesn't say.

I wish I didn't, she also doesn't say.

What would the world be like if neither of us did? might be something it's better not to think about.

So Ysalwen tucks her arm through his, slowly and carefully, and takes a deep breath.

"Five more minutes and then I'll go in? I -- I won't fall apart now. I promise. And -- maybe we still need to talk. About -- "

[howtoactfereldan]

"We can take more than five minutes." Gentle, as he covers her hand for a moment. "You don't need to promise not to fall apart. And I'd like to talk, but it doesn't have to be right now."

It's not as though waiting will change anything that's happened.