Don't call my name out loud

[freedom_is_grey]

The bar is too close and full of people, so Ysalwen threads her way through the crowd, forcing herself to keep an easy pace to the back door and out.

The cold air is bracing and comforting, even though she currently doesn't have a cloak.

One deep breath, another, and a squaring of shoulders, and she's pacing at a rapid clip out and around the lake.

Eventually she might start running.

Liranan is nowhere in sight.

Comments

[freedom_is_grey]

"Oh."

It's quiet, out here in the dark.

Maybe, for just a moment, the inside of her head is quiet, too.

"I -- "

Her eyes are damp again, but it hurts less, somehow. Or maybe just differently.

"I -- "

What does one say to that?

"Can we sit down? I think -- I think I would really like to sit. Or you can hold me up. That's fine, too."

As of this moment Cullen is the only still point in a rapidly spinning world. Relief is -- even partial relief is a very strange drug.

[howtoactfereldan]

Cullen laughs a little, short and quiet, and folds her into another hug.

Light: "Not to mention you saved my counterpart a considerable headache, trying to clean up after all that. I realize that's not the important part... and yet."

[freedom_is_grey]

This hug is much less damp than the last one, because Ysa is not attempting to breathe deeply through a wash of tears.

"Every little bit helps."

Another huff of breath that isn't quite laughter.

"Which -- it does. I forget sometimes, especially when -- well. Thank you."

[howtoactfereldan]

"Especially when everything's still awful," he finishes, rueful. "I know." He tightens his arms for a moment.

"Just... remember that, all right? It's important."

[freedom_is_grey]

She tightens her own grip in return, holding on for a few seconds and then relaxing, all at once.

"I will if you will," Ysalwen mutters into a faceful of fur.

"I promise."

[howtoactfereldan]

Another low laugh.

"I'll try. How's that?"

[freedom_is_grey]

"'ll tell Ci on you if you don't."

Yep, more mumbling. Maybe sleep is a lot closer to hand than Ysa thought it was a half hour ago.

"'n you can tell Liranan on me."

[howtoactfereldan]

"Agreed," he says, lightly. "And meanwhile, I've got to ask the irritating questions -- have you eaten recently?"

[freedom_is_grey]

"I have travel rations in my pack?"





Um.

"Which I left in my berth on the ship. Um."

No. Her answer is no.

[howtoactfereldan]

"We'll do better than that before you go."

There's no advantage in pressing her to go inside before she's ready. The bar's there. It can wait a little longer.

[freedom_is_grey]

"Mmmph."

Ysalwen only grumbles a little.

"Give me a few more minutes? I can't -- it's going to feel like everyone is staring. Even if they're not."

[howtoactfereldan]

"Of course. We've got time."

He watches the moon's glint move on the water.

"Is there -- anything that would help? With the... staring thing?"

[freedom_is_grey]

"No."

Some things have to be borne.

"Not much ever does, and today -- but maybe if I get Liranan. He helps."

Zev would, too, if he could come to Milliways. But --

"I left him and Zev because -- well."

She has a feeling Cullen might understand.

"I didn't want to be comforted."

[howtoactfereldan]

"...sorry?"

[freedom_is_grey]

"Wh -- "

She looks up, like someone that only just heard what they themselves said.

"No! No, I'm glad -- it -- I needed it, and still do. Just -- the ship was so close, and I couldn't -- "

[howtoactfereldan]

He breathes out, nods a little.

"Yes." Quiet. "I know about that."

[freedom_is_grey]

I wish you didn't, she doesn't say.

I wish I didn't, she also doesn't say.

What would the world be like if neither of us did? might be something it's better not to think about.

So Ysalwen tucks her arm through his, slowly and carefully, and takes a deep breath.

"Five more minutes and then I'll go in? I -- I won't fall apart now. I promise. And -- maybe we still need to talk. About -- "

[howtoactfereldan]

"We can take more than five minutes." Gentle, as he covers her hand for a moment. "You don't need to promise not to fall apart. And I'd like to talk, but it doesn't have to be right now."

It's not as though waiting will change anything that's happened.

[freedom_is_grey]

"I think -- "

She puts her free hand over his, pressing down gently for a second.

"I think I would like to talk? Now. If -- if you want to. It -- it feels like it might wear some of the edges down. And I won't stop thinking about it anyway, so -- "

Ysalwen swallows.

"But maybe out here? Not -- not inside."

[howtoactfereldan]

"Yes." Immediately. "Outside's much better."

He gestures toward the inlet, where it's a little warmer. "Let's walk?"

[freedom_is_grey]

"Yes, please," is Ysalwen's swift agreement.

She's tired, yes, but -- movement helps.

She supposes it probably always will.