freedom_is_grey | walking down the trousers of time

"There were. I -- somehow they'd even figured out how to force a demon into templar recruits, making them into abominations. That -- that shouldn't be possible. And -- "

He runs a hand through his hair; it's a harsh movement. "It's a port city, full of smugglers' caves, thousands of years old. It's almost impossible to maintain order. With maleficar everywhere. I'm not going to -- there is no excuse for what Meredith Stannard did as Knight-Commander, or what I allowed to happen as her second. But this was the situation that made her make these decisions. And that's even before we get into the smugglers, the street gangs, the cultists -- "

But none of that tells her why Anders --

(Into templars? How -- why -- no, that's not the point here. It's horrifying, but it's not the point.)

"But if it was maleficar -- he was never fond of blood magic, either, but how was taking down the Chantry going to -- "

"That's just the beginning." His mouth tightens. "Believe me, I've spent quite some time with the same questions you've got. I'll get there. I promise. It starts with explaining about Meredith, and what she did, and why. Because her preferred method of dealing with things was to take away more and more of the rights and privileges of the Circle. With even harsher punishments for those outside who aided and abetted mages."

Cullen rubs the back of his neck. "I think -- about a year before the Chantry explosion, she even started having us questioned weekly, to try to find and expel any one of us who might have any kind of sympathy for the mages. And it was an open secret that the Champion of Kirkwall and her friends harbored apostates, and that Anders ran a free clinic for Fereldan refugees in Darktown. I -- it was helpful, I suppose, how much everyone else in Kirkwall hated Fereldans, and how occupied Meredith was with other things. That's why Anders lasted as long as he did, even though nearly everyone knew about the healer in Darktown. And of course even Meredith would have extreme difficulty bringing in friends of the Champion."

He glances briefly at Ysalwen. "The other part of this is the Grand Cleric, who was in the Chantry at the time. She... was the only one in the city with the authority to stop Meredith who was also the least likely to fall victim to whatever counterstrike Meredith would plan. Her method of keeping peace, for years, was to do nothing. She didn't rein in Meredith, but she didn't openly support her, either. It was the same thing with the First Enchanter. And so we had this... situation... that just kept building and building for years, and meanwhile we grew more and more afraid and the world of the Circle mages got smaller and smaller. And into that went Anders, and the mage resistance, along with the smugglers, gangs, cultists, and everyone else."

He wonders, briefly, if he sounds as exhausted as he feels.

"It seemed as though everything just got... more and more extreme. And then on the day Meredith called for the Right of Annulment... that was the day Anders blew up the Chantry. If he felt that was the only way he could get everyone's attention, or was looking for some way to get the last word in the city's madness..." Cullen shakes his head. "I cannot say I understand it. But even I can see it wasn't senseless."

It was a clusterfuck. She knew it was going to be before Cullen even started talking, given some of what he's already said.

But that everyone -- every single person with any claim to authority abrogated that power and stayed silent --

No, she's not surprised. Angry -- so furiously angry she can't quite catch her breath -- but not surprised.

And still, it doesn't explain Anders at all. Not --

"But Meredith -- to my understanding Meredith couldn't have called for the Right while Elthina was still alive. It had to go through her. So if Anders -- when Anders -- "

"He wasn't saving anyone. He couldn't have been under any delusions that he would. So I don't understand -- I still don't understand -- "

Half of it? A quarter of it?

"What he wanted."

"I don't know what he thought would happen," Cullen says after a long moment.

"I... don't think it was about saving anyone. That much I can say with confidence. The only thing I can guess..."

His pace slows; so does his voice. "When you approach the limit of what can be endured... the feeling -- it's as though if you scream long enough and loud enough, you might create just enough of a pause that it's like a space to breathe. Even if it's just for a moment. It's the relentlessness that gets you."

Projecting.

"The only thing I can think is that since actual screaming never did any of the mages any good, he felt he had to do something that would... make that space. Even though there was no possible way that would help anyone. If you've been living with something long enough, eventually consequences cease to matter."

"Their deaths would certainly be like a scream."

She stops, hands clenching and unclenching once, at her sides.

"And all the rest of it, too."

Catalyst and not the cause, maybe. Not quite, or at least not the only one.

How do you begin to unpick a knot this big, without even a guarantee that it's the same knot you're trying to unwind?

"He was always a healer."

She doesn't mean to sound so lost.

"You've said, yes."

Quiet.

"He... saved a lot of lives, in Darktown, at great personal risk. For years, he did that. I can't forget that. No one should forget that. The one doesn't erase the other."

"No."

Some might think it should, but --

No.

"No, it doesn't."

She exhales, eyes closing.

"I have to see him. Anders. To know if -- "

Ysalwen cut herself off ruthlessly, pulling back what must surely be the wrong words.

(Maybe there are no right words.)

"I have to try."

Cullen sighs, unhappy, and doesn't even bother trying to hide it.

Low:

"I know. Just -- take backup. Please. I don't -- I don't know what will be happening by the time you get there, but -- assume the worst. Assume that if you run into any templars they'll put you in the Circle without letting you send out any messages. You have to be careful. If -- I know you wouldn't do it for my sake, but -- please."

"I will. I promise. And Zevran has at least one old friend in Kirkwall -- I asked, before I sent Nathaniel the first time. And I'll leave word with Alistair and Leliana. So they know, just in case anything goes wrong."

It --

"I have no desire to ever be caged again. But I can't let my fe -- "

Her fear.

"If there's any chance that things can be stopped, or changed, or -- I want to try."

Saying she has to would be a lie. She's choosing this. She wants to be the kind of person that chooses this. So.

Edited 2016-02-21 06:17 (UTC)

"You won't catch me trying to talk you out of it."

They're stopped; Ci whines softly, pressing herself against his leg.

"Just please don't go alone."

"I won't."

I'm sorry, she does not say.

She presses her own hand against the top of Liranan's head, scratching softly between his ears.

"I'll leave word when I make it back. If I don't see you first."

Cullen nods. Doesn't reply.

(If he did, it'd be please don't do this.)

"So," she says, at last, shifting forward a half step.

Shall they keep walking?

Cullen moves his feet without thinking about it.

(It started out as such a nice day.)

"So," she repeats, a little bit later, after they've gone a bit farther around the lake.

I didn't mean to make this all about me, she does not say.

Instead --

"You said there was more? News. Before -- I mean. If you want to talk. Or I can -- not."

For one brief, horrible moment, Cullen is certain he will break into slightly hysterical laughter.

The feeling passes. Thank the Maker.

"Seeker Pentaghast came to Kirkwall for -- a few reasons, actually. But one of them was to tell me that the Divine is reforming the Inquisition. And -- "

It still sounds absurd when he says it.

" -- she's asked me to command the Inquisition's forces."

He rubs the back of his neck. "And... I told her the only way I'd do it is if I.... wasn't a templar any longer."

In for a copper, in for a sovereign.

"I'll be stopping the lyrium, soon."

That's about it, really.

Well, then.

"Oh. You -- you'll be good at it. Commanding, I mean. I -- "

He helped her a lot. And there's a lot to be said for purpose.

And not being in fucking Kirkwall.

"I -- do you have notes? About anyone that's tried it before. If you don't, or if you want -- there's a library here that goes on forever. I could -- "

She won't if he doesn't want her to, but it will be hard.

" -- look. If that's -- I don't know if it would help. If -- "

Ysalwen met a retired templar, once, in Orzammar. He didn't remember much of anything. It was --

Sad.

Some things, she knows, are not preferable to death.

"I have a method in mind," is all he says.

Better she react this way than with... anything stronger, in any direction.

"Oh."

Well, then.

"Good. If I can do anything -- you don't have to tell me. Just. If you want to."

Anyway.

"I'll try."

He's been on his own since Kinloch. Nothing new there.

"Thank you," is all he says.

Another silent stretch of walking.

Then --

"Do you think Ci and Liranan might like to play fetch? There are sticks. I didn't think to bring a frisbee. Or a ball."

"Of course."

He's not really listening.

She would care, but she's trying very hard not to let herself dwell on what will happen if she gets taken in Kirkwall.

How long will she last in captivity that dire? Will what she becomes be worse than what Anders might do? How long can she wait for rescue before slitting her own throat? (Will she still be able to make that call if she waits too long? Will she have already opened a door and let a demon in? Will she -- )

She interrupts her own thoughts by bending down, picking up a slightly off-balance stick, and hurling it away from herself in an arc.

Liranan gives her a look and a whine, but she just lifts her chin in that direction, and he goes.

One.

"Take Ci under your wing, please," she says, when he gets back. Then she throws the stick again.

Two.

Edited 2016-02-21 07:08 (UTC)

Ci looks at the stick, and almost goes --

She looks at Ysalwen.

Then the little(r) gray dog moves, trotting up to Cullen and literally sitting on his boot.

Cullen blinks.

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